Jung believed the moment your life starts destabilizing after you choose yourself is not collapse — it is the psyche breaking the prison you once called safety
What struck me most while reading this is that perhaps the greatest tragedy is not that people lose themselves.
It is that they are slowly taught to feel inadequate as themselves.
Because most people do not wake up one morning and decide to become false.
It happens gradually.
They learn which parts of themselves are acceptable.
Which emotions are “too much.”
Which truths create discomfort.
Which qualities gain approval.
Which masks receive love.
And slowly, adaptation becomes identity.
This is why Jung’s idea of the Persona feels much deeper than psychology to me. The Persona is not only a social mask. It is the moment a person begins distrusting the worth of their own inner voice.
They stop believing their natural self is enough.
So they decorate themselves with acceptable language.
Acceptable behavior.
Acceptable ambition.
Acceptable emotions.
Acceptable dreams.
And after years of repetition, they no longer know whether they are living…
or performing.
Maybe this is why awakening feels so violent.
Because the collapse is not only external.
It is the collapse of borrowed identities.
The collapse of a self built for recognition rather than truth.
A person spends years becoming who the world rewards.
Then one day they hear a quieter question beneath all the performance:
“But who are you without the applause?”
And that question destroys everything.
Because the false self survives through external confirmation. It needs to be seen, approved, validated, mirrored back constantly. The moment a person stops living for recognition, the old architecture begins to crack.
Relationships shift.
Roles die.
Old loyalties weaken.
The performance becomes exhausting.
And people call this a crisis.
But maybe it is the first honest moment in a very long time.
This is why I think individuation is not simply “self-growth.”
It is the painful recovery of the self buried underneath adaptation.
The child who learned to silence himself to remain loved.
The person who traded authenticity for belonging.
The soul that slowly became a stranger to its own voice.
And perhaps this is why so many people feel empty even after succeeding socially.
Because external approval cannot heal internal self-abandonment.
You can spend your whole life becoming impressive to others…
while remaining absent to yourself.
Maybe the deepest prison is not rejection.
It is building an identity entirely around avoiding rejection.
And perhaps real freedom begins at the terrifying moment a person finally says:
“I would rather lose the version of me that kept me accepted than continue betraying the self that was trying to breathe underneath it.”
What you described about the gradual formation of the Persona is something many people live without noticing, until one day they realize they have been shaped more by adaptation than by authenticity.
The tension you pointed out is real: what is socially rewarded is often not what is internally true. And over time, the gap between the two can become a quiet source of emptiness.
Perhaps that’s why any genuine inner shift feels destabilizing at first, it is not just changing behavior, but loosening a long-standing identity built for acceptance.
And yes, the question “Who are you without the applause?” is uncomfortable precisely because it bypasses all external reference points and turns attention inward.
I will add: creating a persona to feel loved, living with anxiety and fear to feel safe from love going away are the hardest way of living to chance letting go of the only thing that’s has seemed real and life sustaining
At times a rage corrupts in discovering the untruth. Or becoming depressed bc you’ve let go of working so hard to feel love and its absence feels helpless to get it ever.
Helplessness from giving up on working so hard or the opposite refusing by building a wall to protect you from wounds of never getting your fires no matter how hard you repeat your pattern of wall building or stacking up points for pleading it leaves you empty everytime.
Why: one learns as you grow you have to define yourself! Others can never give you definition of who you are
Letting go of searching for constant perfect love of one will always develop a crack. The crack one day gives you just enough owning to begin to believe in who YOU ARE bc you begin to see yourself reflected back to you. No longer do you yearn for others to validate that is you in the mirror. The crack in the old pattern gave just enough opening to be brave enough to struggle through the hope on the opening on the other side of the light u see.
Metaphors can give us visions to understand.
When truly finding your own light and true reflection you give up blame and anger of others and set yourself free separate making your own definition no matter other’s mistaken identify
Unfortunately blame, anger, distance keep one tied to things that keep you stepped to the never ending false perception that you are forever at the treat of others determination your misery, keeping you depressed, causing you to run. The freedom of going in being is still controlled by the anger and hate of blame.
Cheers for the courage to claiming yourself, defining your self resting in well being
Different choices create different lives. When your choices change, the people around you have to relate to a different version of you. Some relationships adjust. Others don't. That's often less dramatic than it feels in the moment. I think authenticity asks more of us than confidence does.
How do you know when you have shed your false self and reached authenticity? Is a milestone/signpost or an ongoing neverending quest in determination to live without falsity?
And how can we ever know if our motivations for what we say and do are genuine and pure or performative with a view to an outcome?
Every time I read an article like this I end up with more questions than answers. But maybe that says more about me than the nature of the topic.
What you’re describing is actually very close to how these questions behave when they’re taken seriously, they don’t resolve into final answers, they become more precise over time.
On the “false self vs authentic self” question: most contemplative traditions don’t really treat authenticity as a milestone you arrive at and then keep. It’s less like crossing a border and more like noticing, again and again, when you’ve slipped into performance, role, or self-image. In that sense, it’s an ongoing sensitivity rather than a final achievement.
But that doesn’t make it meaningless. In practice, there are recognizable shifts. Not as proof, but as patterns:
less need to be seen in a particular way
less internal negotiation about “how this will land”
quicker recognition of self-presentation when it happens
and, importantly, less punishment when you notice it
So authenticity isn’t the absence of performance, it’s the increasing awareness of performance while it is happening, without immediately becoming it.
For years I have read about this topic and felt like I lacked an understanding of what it even was.
But going by your explanation, this is something I practice on a regular basis (with varying degrees of success and remaining internal conflicts/inconsistencies)
I've never seen it as unimportant nor as something that requires any destination.
I thrive on parameters to define tasks, so thank you.
I think many people actually practice aspects of it intuitively long before they have language for it. Sometimes the hardest part is not the practice itself, but finally seeing the underlying structure clearly enough to recognize what has already been happening internally.
And I really appreciated what you said here:
“I’ve never seen it as something that requires any destination.”
That perspective feels very aligned with the spirit of the practice itself. Not a fixed endpoint, but an ongoing relationship with awareness, adjustment, and honesty with oneself.
I’m glad the framework and parameters resonated with the way your mind naturally works.
Thank you so much. Definitely relevant to where I am now. The person I had built was all around recovering, healing, fixing myself, which I thought would make me a more functional and happy member of society but the more I developed I saw the more boundaries I wanted to establish, things that didn't feel right to me in social construct, until I'm leaving it all behind to become nomad. I do get those fears that I'm breaking everything...I'll trust in Jung 😄
What stands out to me is that sometimes growth doesn't just change how we feel—it changes what we can no longer ignore.
When we begin paying closer attention to ourselves, certain social expectations, roles, or ways of living may stop feeling aligned. That can be liberating, but it can also feel unsettling because the old structure is no longer holding us in the same way.
I would just be cautious about assuming that every urge to leave is necessarily wisdom, or that every fear is necessarily resistance. Sometimes fear is protecting us from growth. Sometimes it is offering useful information. The challenge is learning to listen carefully enough to tell the difference.
Jung often spoke about becoming who we are, but that process is rarely comfortable. It can feel as though something is breaking, when in reality something is being outgrown.
Whatever path you choose, I hope you remain curious rather than certain. Sometimes that quiet curiosity is a better guide than either fear or fantasy.
Zenya yes, it was more a comment that I enjoyed the piece and a sharing of my experience, not a suggestion that every urge to leave is wisdom, however as I've been building my nomadic life different readings including what I've learnt of Jung have helped me reflect on the process I've been going through.
I recently sold my house and I’m now living in a very comfortable campervan as I explore Australia with a view to maybe one day crossing paths with my like-minded, like-hearted tribe. Whether I find them or not doesn’t matter. I’ve always been a gypsy at heart but I’ve never felt as content as I am now living a nomadic life at 67. Safe travels Melinda.
Do most actually retreat? (Genuine question - not being a jerk!) I don't have many experiences other than my own and, perhaps, it could be argued that I had "no choice" but to keep going, but it never occurred to me that someone, especially not droves of someones, would try to turn back to "normal." Wow
I would be intrigued to know what resources and support you had available to keep going?
Similarly, genuine question here.
Because I’m hearing the pull to keep going overrides any desire to turn back. No matter how far out into the ocean you are and irrespective of not being able to see any land either ahead nor behind.
When I reached this point myself, it came with insight that many people did not cross beyond this point.
I first assumed perhaps they take a break?
Maybe they’ve had enough of the work and want a rest from it.
But what I realised much later is, the level of support I required to help me cross this metaphorical ocean increased dramatically.
And I’m wondering if there’s a level of privilege that plays a part in all of this - for example, privileges such as bank accounts for women, career choices, living arrangements etc that women did not have (not in the uk anyway) until the 70’s.
Very interested to hear of your thoughts on this. And anyone else who sees this comment.
I feel I had no choice but to keep going also. It was like putting one foot in front of the other, people and situations fell away as I kept going to the point where I didn't feel I could turn back. But, I do know someone who tried, they tried very hard to begin this more authentic life. In the end the unknown and the "what ifs" became too much and they turned back to what was comfortable and familiar.
I’d be really interested to hear your thoughts on the role the need for increased levels of support and resources plays in being able to cross over so far into the unknown and uncertainty.
I speak to the need for an increase in support in this thread. But I guess simultaneously, there is also our relationship with trust and a need to deepen that trust to cross the metaphorical ocean?
One thing I've noticed is that what often feels like "falling apart" is actually the grief of letting go of an identity that once helped us survive. We spend so much time talking about becoming, but not nearly enough time talking about what has to be released to make that becoming possible.
I think that's the part many people mistake for failure, when it may actually be a sign that something deeper is changing.
Love this! I can absolutely relate to all of it and remember the discomfort of being in the middle of choosing myself but feeling like so many things were leaving my life. As I look back I’m so grateful for the shift, leaving my career, letting go of relationships and choosing only those things that align and honor me.
This is a profound exploration of how the path to wholeness often requires the "demolition" of our old, comfortable masks. I love how you highlight that this destabilization isn't a sign of failure, but a brave step toward a truly integrated and authentic life.
Life is impermanent. We are also impermanent. That means if we choose the right path, we can change ourselves to be more skillful.
I deeply resonate with what you said about impermanence. So much suffering comes from assuming the self we are today is fixed, when in reality both life and identity are constantly unfolding and changing.
The painful part of inner growth is that it often feels like losing stability before we recognize it as transformation. The old masks once protected us, helped us belong, helped us survive. So when they begin to fall away, it can feel less like awakening and more like disorientation.
But as you beautifully pointed out, this dismantling is not failure. It is often the beginning of a more integrated life.
In Buddhism, impermanence is not only a truth about loss — it is also a truth about possibility. Because we are not fixed, we are capable of becoming more conscious, more compassionate, and more skillful in the way we live and relate to others.
Perhaps real growth begins the moment we stop asking, “How do I remain who I was?” and begin asking, “What is life trying to help me become?”
Thank you again for sharing such a grounded and wise perspective.
Jung’s deepest warning was never simply about the shadow itself, but about what happens when consciousness finally sees what it has been organized around and can no longer pretend otherwise.
That moment is destabilizing because the structure that carried identity begins to crack.
And most people mistake that cracking for collapse.
But often it is the beginning of reorganization.
Not destruction of the self, but exposure of the architecture that was never truly self to begin with.
Wow, thank you so much for this article. You have no idea how much comfort and support it brought me today.
I truly feel like parts of my life are falling apart at the moment. I "dared" to start making decisions that are aligned with my inner voice, and in many ways it has given me a whole new life, but also a whole new level of uncertainty.
Lately, I've been practicing being present, looking within, and staying with my bodily and emotional experience instead of running from it. It's been incredibly challenging because so much is emerging that I spent years pushing away.
Just today I found myself wondering, *Is it really worth it to feel all of this?*
Then a quiet voice inside me whispered, *"It hurts, but at least you're no longer abandoning yourself the way you did for so many years."*
Reading your article, one that happened to appear on my feed at exactly the right moment, gave me the courage to keep going and trust this process a little more.
What struck me most while reading this is that perhaps the greatest tragedy is not that people lose themselves.
It is that they are slowly taught to feel inadequate as themselves.
Because most people do not wake up one morning and decide to become false.
It happens gradually.
They learn which parts of themselves are acceptable.
Which emotions are “too much.”
Which truths create discomfort.
Which qualities gain approval.
Which masks receive love.
And slowly, adaptation becomes identity.
This is why Jung’s idea of the Persona feels much deeper than psychology to me. The Persona is not only a social mask. It is the moment a person begins distrusting the worth of their own inner voice.
They stop believing their natural self is enough.
So they decorate themselves with acceptable language.
Acceptable behavior.
Acceptable ambition.
Acceptable emotions.
Acceptable dreams.
And after years of repetition, they no longer know whether they are living…
or performing.
Maybe this is why awakening feels so violent.
Because the collapse is not only external.
It is the collapse of borrowed identities.
The collapse of a self built for recognition rather than truth.
A person spends years becoming who the world rewards.
Then one day they hear a quieter question beneath all the performance:
“But who are you without the applause?”
And that question destroys everything.
Because the false self survives through external confirmation. It needs to be seen, approved, validated, mirrored back constantly. The moment a person stops living for recognition, the old architecture begins to crack.
Relationships shift.
Roles die.
Old loyalties weaken.
The performance becomes exhausting.
And people call this a crisis.
But maybe it is the first honest moment in a very long time.
This is why I think individuation is not simply “self-growth.”
It is the painful recovery of the self buried underneath adaptation.
The child who learned to silence himself to remain loved.
The person who traded authenticity for belonging.
The soul that slowly became a stranger to its own voice.
And perhaps this is why so many people feel empty even after succeeding socially.
Because external approval cannot heal internal self-abandonment.
You can spend your whole life becoming impressive to others…
while remaining absent to yourself.
Maybe the deepest prison is not rejection.
It is building an identity entirely around avoiding rejection.
And perhaps real freedom begins at the terrifying moment a person finally says:
“I would rather lose the version of me that kept me accepted than continue betraying the self that was trying to breathe underneath it.”
This is a very clear and honest reflection.
What you described about the gradual formation of the Persona is something many people live without noticing, until one day they realize they have been shaped more by adaptation than by authenticity.
The tension you pointed out is real: what is socially rewarded is often not what is internally true. And over time, the gap between the two can become a quiet source of emptiness.
Perhaps that’s why any genuine inner shift feels destabilizing at first, it is not just changing behavior, but loosening a long-standing identity built for acceptance.
And yes, the question “Who are you without the applause?” is uncomfortable precisely because it bypasses all external reference points and turns attention inward.
Thank you for expressing this so clearly.
Thank you. So very thoughtful and difficult!
Wow. This resonated with me so very much. Thank you.
So beautifully stated and shared. Thank you.
Love your extended thoughts Zenna
I will add: creating a persona to feel loved, living with anxiety and fear to feel safe from love going away are the hardest way of living to chance letting go of the only thing that’s has seemed real and life sustaining
At times a rage corrupts in discovering the untruth. Or becoming depressed bc you’ve let go of working so hard to feel love and its absence feels helpless to get it ever.
Helplessness from giving up on working so hard or the opposite refusing by building a wall to protect you from wounds of never getting your fires no matter how hard you repeat your pattern of wall building or stacking up points for pleading it leaves you empty everytime.
Why: one learns as you grow you have to define yourself! Others can never give you definition of who you are
Letting go of searching for constant perfect love of one will always develop a crack. The crack one day gives you just enough owning to begin to believe in who YOU ARE bc you begin to see yourself reflected back to you. No longer do you yearn for others to validate that is you in the mirror. The crack in the old pattern gave just enough opening to be brave enough to struggle through the hope on the opening on the other side of the light u see.
Metaphors can give us visions to understand.
When truly finding your own light and true reflection you give up blame and anger of others and set yourself free separate making your own definition no matter other’s mistaken identify
Unfortunately blame, anger, distance keep one tied to things that keep you stepped to the never ending false perception that you are forever at the treat of others determination your misery, keeping you depressed, causing you to run. The freedom of going in being is still controlled by the anger and hate of blame.
Cheers for the courage to claiming yourself, defining your self resting in well being
Thank you for this beautiful article. I knew I joined Substack for a reason. You gotta burn it all down first before you can start anew 😉
Different choices create different lives. When your choices change, the people around you have to relate to a different version of you. Some relationships adjust. Others don't. That's often less dramatic than it feels in the moment. I think authenticity asks more of us than confidence does.
Wish I had this to read when it started for me, I was so confused and just lost as why even family and friendships felt foreign to me.
Thank you for this, it's very timely for me and just the reminder I needed today. Beautifully written.
How do you know when you have shed your false self and reached authenticity? Is a milestone/signpost or an ongoing neverending quest in determination to live without falsity?
And how can we ever know if our motivations for what we say and do are genuine and pure or performative with a view to an outcome?
Every time I read an article like this I end up with more questions than answers. But maybe that says more about me than the nature of the topic.
What you’re describing is actually very close to how these questions behave when they’re taken seriously, they don’t resolve into final answers, they become more precise over time.
On the “false self vs authentic self” question: most contemplative traditions don’t really treat authenticity as a milestone you arrive at and then keep. It’s less like crossing a border and more like noticing, again and again, when you’ve slipped into performance, role, or self-image. In that sense, it’s an ongoing sensitivity rather than a final achievement.
But that doesn’t make it meaningless. In practice, there are recognizable shifts. Not as proof, but as patterns:
less need to be seen in a particular way
less internal negotiation about “how this will land”
quicker recognition of self-presentation when it happens
and, importantly, less punishment when you notice it
So authenticity isn’t the absence of performance, it’s the increasing awareness of performance while it is happening, without immediately becoming it.
Thank you for this helpful explanation.
For years I have read about this topic and felt like I lacked an understanding of what it even was.
But going by your explanation, this is something I practice on a regular basis (with varying degrees of success and remaining internal conflicts/inconsistencies)
I've never seen it as unimportant nor as something that requires any destination.
I thrive on parameters to define tasks, so thank you.
Thank you for sharing this.
I think many people actually practice aspects of it intuitively long before they have language for it. Sometimes the hardest part is not the practice itself, but finally seeing the underlying structure clearly enough to recognize what has already been happening internally.
And I really appreciated what you said here:
“I’ve never seen it as something that requires any destination.”
That perspective feels very aligned with the spirit of the practice itself. Not a fixed endpoint, but an ongoing relationship with awareness, adjustment, and honesty with oneself.
I’m glad the framework and parameters resonated with the way your mind naturally works.
Your: Intuition…one of the most underrated, undeveloped part of a human being…
Peace and joy
Thank you so much. Definitely relevant to where I am now. The person I had built was all around recovering, healing, fixing myself, which I thought would make me a more functional and happy member of society but the more I developed I saw the more boundaries I wanted to establish, things that didn't feel right to me in social construct, until I'm leaving it all behind to become nomad. I do get those fears that I'm breaking everything...I'll trust in Jung 😄
Thank you for sharing that.
What stands out to me is that sometimes growth doesn't just change how we feel—it changes what we can no longer ignore.
When we begin paying closer attention to ourselves, certain social expectations, roles, or ways of living may stop feeling aligned. That can be liberating, but it can also feel unsettling because the old structure is no longer holding us in the same way.
I would just be cautious about assuming that every urge to leave is necessarily wisdom, or that every fear is necessarily resistance. Sometimes fear is protecting us from growth. Sometimes it is offering useful information. The challenge is learning to listen carefully enough to tell the difference.
Jung often spoke about becoming who we are, but that process is rarely comfortable. It can feel as though something is breaking, when in reality something is being outgrown.
Whatever path you choose, I hope you remain curious rather than certain. Sometimes that quiet curiosity is a better guide than either fear or fantasy.
Zenya yes, it was more a comment that I enjoyed the piece and a sharing of my experience, not a suggestion that every urge to leave is wisdom, however as I've been building my nomadic life different readings including what I've learnt of Jung have helped me reflect on the process I've been going through.
I recently sold my house and I’m now living in a very comfortable campervan as I explore Australia with a view to maybe one day crossing paths with my like-minded, like-hearted tribe. Whether I find them or not doesn’t matter. I’ve always been a gypsy at heart but I’ve never felt as content as I am now living a nomadic life at 67. Safe travels Melinda.
Going through this right now
Do most actually retreat? (Genuine question - not being a jerk!) I don't have many experiences other than my own and, perhaps, it could be argued that I had "no choice" but to keep going, but it never occurred to me that someone, especially not droves of someones, would try to turn back to "normal." Wow
I would be intrigued to know what resources and support you had available to keep going?
Similarly, genuine question here.
Because I’m hearing the pull to keep going overrides any desire to turn back. No matter how far out into the ocean you are and irrespective of not being able to see any land either ahead nor behind.
When I reached this point myself, it came with insight that many people did not cross beyond this point.
I first assumed perhaps they take a break?
Maybe they’ve had enough of the work and want a rest from it.
But what I realised much later is, the level of support I required to help me cross this metaphorical ocean increased dramatically.
And I’m wondering if there’s a level of privilege that plays a part in all of this - for example, privileges such as bank accounts for women, career choices, living arrangements etc that women did not have (not in the uk anyway) until the 70’s.
Very interested to hear of your thoughts on this. And anyone else who sees this comment.
I feel I had no choice but to keep going also. It was like putting one foot in front of the other, people and situations fell away as I kept going to the point where I didn't feel I could turn back. But, I do know someone who tried, they tried very hard to begin this more authentic life. In the end the unknown and the "what ifs" became too much and they turned back to what was comfortable and familiar.
I’d be really interested to hear your thoughts on the role the need for increased levels of support and resources plays in being able to cross over so far into the unknown and uncertainty.
I speak to the need for an increase in support in this thread. But I guess simultaneously, there is also our relationship with trust and a need to deepen that trust to cross the metaphorical ocean?
This really resonated with me.
One thing I've noticed is that what often feels like "falling apart" is actually the grief of letting go of an identity that once helped us survive. We spend so much time talking about becoming, but not nearly enough time talking about what has to be released to make that becoming possible.
I think that's the part many people mistake for failure, when it may actually be a sign that something deeper is changing.
Thank you for sharing this. 💚
Quite insightful and very well written! It's exactly what I needed to read today. Thank you for that .
Love this! I can absolutely relate to all of it and remember the discomfort of being in the middle of choosing myself but feeling like so many things were leaving my life. As I look back I’m so grateful for the shift, leaving my career, letting go of relationships and choosing only those things that align and honor me.
This is a profound exploration of how the path to wholeness often requires the "demolition" of our old, comfortable masks. I love how you highlight that this destabilization isn't a sign of failure, but a brave step toward a truly integrated and authentic life.
Life is impermanent. We are also impermanent. That means if we choose the right path, we can change ourselves to be more skillful.
Thank you for this thoughtful reflection.
I deeply resonate with what you said about impermanence. So much suffering comes from assuming the self we are today is fixed, when in reality both life and identity are constantly unfolding and changing.
The painful part of inner growth is that it often feels like losing stability before we recognize it as transformation. The old masks once protected us, helped us belong, helped us survive. So when they begin to fall away, it can feel less like awakening and more like disorientation.
But as you beautifully pointed out, this dismantling is not failure. It is often the beginning of a more integrated life.
In Buddhism, impermanence is not only a truth about loss — it is also a truth about possibility. Because we are not fixed, we are capable of becoming more conscious, more compassionate, and more skillful in the way we live and relate to others.
Perhaps real growth begins the moment we stop asking, “How do I remain who I was?” and begin asking, “What is life trying to help me become?”
Thank you again for sharing such a grounded and wise perspective.
Love this!! Yes!!! Beautiful description of the process and the potential for authenticity.
Been there, doing that, wouldn’t change a thing.
💗🔥💃🏼
Jung’s deepest warning was never simply about the shadow itself, but about what happens when consciousness finally sees what it has been organized around and can no longer pretend otherwise.
That moment is destabilizing because the structure that carried identity begins to crack.
And most people mistake that cracking for collapse.
But often it is the beginning of reorganization.
Not destruction of the self, but exposure of the architecture that was never truly self to begin with.
Wow, thank you so much for this article. You have no idea how much comfort and support it brought me today.
I truly feel like parts of my life are falling apart at the moment. I "dared" to start making decisions that are aligned with my inner voice, and in many ways it has given me a whole new life, but also a whole new level of uncertainty.
Lately, I've been practicing being present, looking within, and staying with my bodily and emotional experience instead of running from it. It's been incredibly challenging because so much is emerging that I spent years pushing away.
Just today I found myself wondering, *Is it really worth it to feel all of this?*
Then a quiet voice inside me whispered, *"It hurts, but at least you're no longer abandoning yourself the way you did for so many years."*
Reading your article, one that happened to appear on my feed at exactly the right moment, gave me the courage to keep going and trust this process a little more.
So thank you. I needed this reminder today.