When Pleasing Becomes a Burden: Boundaries and the Wisdom of the Middle Way
Breaking Free from Expectation and Dependence to Reclaim Your Sense of Self in Relationships
"If I’m Good to You, You Should Be Good to Me" — Why Do We Over-Accommodate Others?
In the Buddhist Middle-Length Discourses, it is said:
“If one clings to one side, one loses the Middle Way.”
In relationships, holding onto the mindset of “I give this much, you must give back equally” is to fall into the trap of attachment — the idea of “having to gain.” Outwardly, it may look like kindness and agreeableness, but deep down, it often comes from a lack of inner strength — a fear of saying no — and even taking on responsibilities that belong to others.
At a deeper level, it can be a form of omnipotent narcissism: believing that your actions can control another person’s emotions and behaviors. If this self-centered illusion is never seen through, one might still live with a false sense of happiness — until the moment when expectations begin to hurt.
01 Expectation: The Subtle Violence in Intimacy
In healthy intimacy, if someone truly cares for you, your authentic self is enough. You don’t need to over-perform or craft a “better” version of yourself.
The problem with over-accommodation is that it breeds excessive expectations — and expectations are a subtle form of control.
The Middle Way teaches: do not fixate on “I gave this much, you must give me that much in return.” Emotional connection is not an accounting transaction.
You may give 12 parts, and your partner gives 8 — this doesn’t mean they don’t love you, nor that you are unworthy. Sometimes, your effortless 6 parts may be exactly what draws them closer.
The Dhammapada reminds us:
“Do not cling to what you love, nor hate what you dislike.”
If we miss this truth, relationships often end with “I’m tired.” Worse, when facing those without kindness, over-accommodation can turn you into prey for exploitation. True love comes from having enough inner abundance to hold both the flaws and excesses of the other — a strength rooted in your own stable and full heart.
02 In Social Life, Pleasing Is the Weakest Currency
In social relationships, no one earns lasting respect through self-effacement alone.
Value is the core currency between people. In “upward socializing,” some gain attention through impeccable service — but what truly matters is not humility, but the strength and selfhood behind it.
If your mindset is “I’m good to you, so you must be good to me,” that’s not altruism — it’s “I’m forcing an investment, and you must give me a return.”
The wisdom of the Middle Way is: Give without clinging to results; receive without feeling indebted.
From the Ekottarika Āgama:
“Give without thought; receive without joy.”
When our inner strength is lacking, we fear rejection — not because it will hurt others, but because we dread losing their attention, approval, or fear facing their anger. So we suppress ourselves for temporary peace, or feed others with “emotional saccharine” to sustain a fragile self.
03 The Final Destination of All Relationships: Returning to the Self
Whether in love or in social life, the ultimate journey is the relationship with yourself.
Without an internal fulcrum, you will be off-balance; without an inner anchor, you will drift with the tide.
From the Mahāparinirvāṇa Sūtra:
“Rely on yourself, rely on the Dharma, do not rely on anything else.”
When your strength comes from within, you no longer depend on external approval or emotions. Only then can you steer your own course, walking steadily along your own Middle Way.
💬 Community Reflection
Have you ever found yourself over-accommodating in relationships while secretly expecting a return? How did you become aware and adjust? Share your story so others on this path may benefit from your insight.
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