Why Does Respect Sometimes Make Children More Willful?
Raising Children with Both Freedom and Discipline
Someone once asked me: “Why is it that the more I respect my child, the more willful they become? I’m on the verge of collapse.”
This is a question worth answering carefully. In parenting, do we want to raise a child who is whole, balanced, and understands boundaries? Or do we want to raise a self-centered little tyrant who believes the world revolves around them? The answer, of course, is self-evident.
To me, true respect means recognizing the child as an independent being—acknowledging their feelings, emotions, thoughts, and dignity. But respect does not mean limitless indulgence. It does not mean fulfilling every whim. And it certainly does not mean allowing children to constantly challenge rules and boundaries without consequence.
Misunderstanding “Respect” in Parenting
In recent years, “respecting children” has become a buzzword in parenting communities. Many parents, however, confuse respect with submission or indulgence. They equate freedom with a lack of rules, and compassion with the avoidance of conflict.
But real respect is never boundaryless. Respect is not giving children whatever they demand. It is honoring their individuality while still providing them with the guidance and structure they need to grow.
Here lies a subtle trap: many parents who grew up under strict authority and repressive households carry an unconscious compensatory psychology. They say to themselves: “I will give my child the freedom I never had.” While well-intentioned, this often results in parenting by appeasement—confusing permissiveness with love.
Why Children Test Limits
Children don’t actually understand what “respect” means. Their worldview is still forming. What they instinctively do is test boundaries. If respect comes without structure, they feel disoriented: “If all my demands are granted, then why should I listen to adults at all?”
Ironically, limitless freedom is not respect but neglect. A child without rules feels abandoned in a chaotic world, with no compass to navigate it.
The Dhammapada teaches: “The one who is disciplined, mindful, and pure in conduct lives in happiness.” This ancient wisdom reminds us that happiness comes not from indulgence, but from balance and self-restraint.
Parents must therefore practice the Middle Way—not the harsh extremes of authoritarianism, nor the indulgent extremes of permissiveness. Instead, they must embody firm compassion: warm empathy, but coupled with clear boundaries.
The Role of Frustration in Growth
The psychologist Donald Winnicott spoke of the “Good Enough Mother.” Such a parent does not meet every single demand. Rather, they help the child endure frustration, delay gratification, and confront reality.
Children who never face disappointment grow fragile. They become entitled, angry, and unable to cope with setbacks. On the other hand, children raised with compassion and rules learn resilience, empathy, and responsibility.
The Buddha once said: “As a solid rock is not shaken by the wind, so the wise are not moved by praise or blame.” Likewise, children must learn early that life is not simply about pleasure and satisfaction—it is about navigating difficulties with steadiness. Parents who fail to set boundaries rob their children of this vital training.
True Respect: Compassion Within Structure
When parents confuse indulgence with respect, children grow more willful. In truth, they are not acting out simply to be rebellious—they are asking their parents: “Where are the rules? Where are the walls that protect me from falling off the cliff?”
Therefore, true respect means:
Listening empathetically to a child’s feelings.
Providing warmth and acceptance of their individuality.
While also holding firm boundaries that reflect reality and society’s rules.
Respect is not blind submission. It is compassionate guidance within structure.
In Closing
The Buddha’s teaching of the Middle Way is perhaps the best compass for modern parents. Not too harsh, not too soft; not authoritarian, not indulgent. Instead, it is about raising children with empathy and clarity, compassion and discipline.
Respect is not about erasing rules, but about teaching children to live with them gracefully. When parents embody this balance, children not only feel respected, but they also learn how to respect themselves and others.
As one sutra reminds us: “The greatest gift is discipline with compassion; the greatest harm is freedom without wisdom.”
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Share the Wisdom
If you found this perspective meaningful, share it with fellow parents or friends. Respect, when rooted in wisdom, is not a parenting technique but a way of living—one that nurtures both children and adults on the path of growth.
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